my fellow americans, as founding and lonely member of the newly re-furbished bull moose party, I feel it is my patriotic duty and responsibility to provide the eager and thoughtful public with a voting guide to the 2008 election. many are calling this the most important election of our time. I couldn’t agree more. we are riding the crest of a new age, and everything is at stake. that being said, I probably will not vote. aside from the sickening sensation of marching into one of those awful little booths with all my sheeple neighbors who have somehow avoided the devastating realization that our democracy is a facade that leeches off the good intentions of the feeble minded and pits us against each other and the rest of the world in a delicate series of class, race, and territorial warfare, i’ll probably have something better to do that day. and yet somehow I feel more than qualified to influence your sample ballot. I guess its also important to mention that I haven’t read a newspaper, turned on a tv or a radio, or actively participated in any sort of political banter in over six months. ok, so your ballot should look something like this:
President:
Rudolph Giuliani
he’s still running, right?
the level of audacity, or even irony of putting a woman, or a black man into office is most enticing to me. and with both of their campaigns being bankrolled by the same machines that bulldozed our current fearless leader into office, it seems quite probable. but for the sake of wiping the slate clean, in preparation for a new world full of genderless, raceless flipper babies, I think we need to let a tired old white man with an enlarged prostate finish the job he started. im not sure if it was that beautiful day in September ‘01, watching his bitch ass running away from the crumbling second tower of the world trade center (a news camera spontaneously shooting him from the front), or maybe it was a couple months later when he asked the city of new york to tack on an extra year to his mayoral term, but it became overwhelmingly apparent that this was the man with the perfect combination of dimwittedness and gusto to lead us straight into the apocalypse. he’s a tiger, man. aside from his heroic speeches atop piles of rubble and burning corpses, let us not forget his efforts to turn times square’s ho strut into corporate disneyland, the anonymous narc hotline, that allows you to rat out your neighbor for not taking out their trash or being a terrorist, and of course his relentless endorsement and protection of the murderous thugs that is the nypd. not to mention, that adorable lisp of his. “go yankeeths!”
is it a coincidence that the last wintery days of our next president’s term line up so perfectly with the end of the mayan calendar? yes it is. a delectable coincidence.
depending on where you live, theres probably a whole plethora of local issues designed to filter money into a not-so-local spending pool, and others to simply remind you that the only thing worth trusting is your fear and hate. gay marriage? I might respond, “could marriage be any gayer?” immigration? “can an invisible border contain the fires of satan?”
i’m calling bullshit on everything and everyone. if you really want my advice, start collecting lots of tin foil and poppers, and write pretty songs about birds and animals that don’t often get mentioned in songs so that there may be an oral record of their existence after they’re gone. i’m just sayin..
ΛPГlCOT ГΛY
