two years ago, 1/15/6:
though an unshaven face is not an uncommon look for me, i’ve never intentionally grown an actual beard, until now. my face fuzz spurts out at irregular lengths, straying in every which direction in an asymmetrical pattern of obnoxious patches. the little vanity i’ve left usually steps in at about week two or so and strikes it down with a razor. but i’m all out of razors, and have not the strength to retrieve one from the store. there is no one left to impress these days, except for the night girls working the register at zankou, but they are much too high to care by the time i crawl in. and so my beard does flourish. a lone tribute to life, and the things that remain after it is gone. a timeline of sorts, to gage the final days of another spirit sinking into the awfulness of hollywood.
on friday the 13th, my doctor, having received some lab results from several days earlier, called me into his office to tell me that my kidneys were failing, and that he didn’t know why. the nephrologist i saw a few days later confirmed that my kidneys were chug-chug-chugging along at a dangerously low 20% capacity. he ordered up about a 100 grand worth of tests, procedures, and lab work to find out why. all of which had to be processed through my insurance by lili, the nurse at my doctor’s office. a fairly simple task, the forms are simple enough and just require some signatures before being faxed to the insurance office. after a week of calling lili, sometimes 2-3 times a day, to check on my approval status, i decided to phone my hmo, with an entire rant prepared about the inhumane negligence of the money hording corporations that have hijacked our health care system, holding our lives in jeopardy. my sermon was unheard, it seems as though lili has not sent a goddam thing to the insurance office, probably because she realized she had sent me to the wrong doctor in the first place, and nothing would have been approved anyway.
i confronted lili yesterday, to her face. i wanted to scream and yell and throw things about. i wanted to be angry. i haven’t been angry in months. not that i haven’t had reason enough, i’ve had plenty. i’ve been fielding all sorts of ugliness lately. i tried to summon it, all the accusations, the worthless conspiracies, the lies, the evil fucking looks. i came up with nothing, and calmly relayed all of her mistakes out before her. she looked stunned. then scared. then she threw her arms into the air and begin charging back and forth across the office. “i don’t believe it! i don’t believe it!” she started pulling files and binders off the shelves. i went outside and called my insurance office and got set up with a new specialist without the help of lili. i have to start the process all over again, but i’m not dead yet, as they say.
kidney failure sucks. i’m slowly being poisoned to death and can’t do anything about it. it kinda fucking hurts. i thought i was pulling off a pretty good show for a while, but it occurred to me that i’ve already transformed into a ghost. some people talk about liking ghosts, but they still get a little uncomfortable when approached by one. i’m optimistic, and have all intentions getting patched up soon. i got places to see, people to find, revenge to reap. i want my beard to be magnificent by the time i pass, not the scraggly furry mess of present. but if that’s impossible, i hope someone in a lab coat will have the decency to be honest. i really don’t want to die in this shitbucket town.
i dedicate this beard to lili, who wears a wisp of a mustache herself, and who should never have to beg the mercy of a frazzled nurse with a fax machine and a guilty conscience. god bless her.
ΛPГlCOT ГΛY
