wanderlust dust

i jotted this down back in november, but it would seem the tides of life’s schemes are slightly seasonal and feed off times of change:

sometimes, i wonder how exceptionally smoother life would be if i were more assertive. if i spoke out against all the injustices of the world. if i protested the constant stream of bullshit that spews from the mouths of the underenlightened for the mere sake of filling in the gaps. perhaps i would gain the respect of my peers with a tenacious raid upon everything that defeats what i know to be pure and true.
or maybe i need to deliver myself to the undead. fill my head with gigabytes of sitcom scenarios and socialite statistics so i’ll have something to contribute to the party. i could really go after that well-paying job where i could throw around numbers and rape people of their livelihood.
i reluctantly tack up all this confusion to my obvious lack of experience with life itself and my overwhelming desire to be just like you and everyone else. how will i ever know where i fit in? what should i pursue? who should i fall in love with? who shouldnt i?  luckily for me, there will always be those who take pity on me and help me see the way. those whose lives are so filled with contentment and joy, who’ve experienced so much success in every waking moment of their life, that they cannot contain the amount of advice and direction for those like myself. and if i should resist, if this single path to happiness that is so clear to the masses seems foggy and demented, then set forth your traps. erect the challenging obstacles that will provide me with all the courage and strength and gusto to demand all the things from this world that i never even knew i wanted.
sometimes, i feel like shit. and the last thing i would want to do is project my ridiculous frustrations upon the people i surround myself with. sometimes, i’m afraid we’re far more cannibalistic then we’d ever care to admit.
 

i’m afraid i’m all too aware, and have been for some time, that i am somewhat of an exception to many, many rules. but there is little to no solace or rightousness in such matters. i find all the elements of what some might call “soul”, just as humanizing and endearing as you do. because it runs trough my veins as fast and hot and real as anyone. i’ve known fear and danger and sex and violence. i’ve felt the long tedious winds of death and the instant gasp of a fleeting life. some joy is debilitating, and anger is invigorating. and love, my friend, i have known love through every pore in my skin. i’ve known love from the middle of a battlefield, and i’ve held it more tightly than i ever should have. i’ve lost myself in every one of it’s hallucinations. i may very well be in love with love. i do not fear these elements, nor pursue them where they do not exist. such things can never be prioritized, nor am i pretentious enough to believe i hold such power. life is hard enough, man.

i would imagine i come across as quite the space-case. should you seek more from me at any given moment, do not take offense to my blank gaze. it’s not that i don’t want to give you anything, it’s that i have nothing to give. and not because you’re insignificant, it’s because you’re not real. just as the time and space and life we’ve created for ourselves. 

one such “soul” element that seems to have departed over the years is trust. i take a considerable amount of responsibility for whatever walls i’ve erected, and i feel totally justified in blaming the rest on my childhood. but goddammit, there’s some real douchebags out there.

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happy easter!